It finally happened. Eric, our designer, finally lost his last marble. There’s just no explaining this thing. It’s not a damn fuzzbox, it’s not a tube-amp simulator, and it’s not the slightest bit like anything else you’ve ever seen / heard. Think of the TX-1 AGONIZER as a magical 1965-era industrial-music sonic reducer. It screws everything down to a nice, crunchy sonic pureč with aluminum shavings and broken glass mixed in. Yum.

Please believe us, it’s not a nice, sweet, well-behaved pussy-pussy “vintage tone” effect. You simply can’t get a simulation of a Fender Super Reverb out of this horrible yellow box. Trust us. If you're another one of those little obedient, cowardly, sniveling tone lovers, the AGONIZER is not for you to snivel over, so don't buy one. And if you're a Metallica fan, perhaps you should buy some nice pink fairy wings instead of a TX-1.

I suppose you think the TX-1 is sorta, dude, like one of those digital effecto thingies, dude man? Hah, don’t make us laugh, monkeyboy. We schmutz on your little head and then wipe our behinds on your Commodore 64. This thing doesn‘t even vaguely resemble digital noise. The AGONIZER is the exact opposite of digital: it is entirely analog, and entirely made of vacuum tubes, and does not make anything even slightly resembling 1980s pseudo-nostalgia video-game noises. We hate the 1980s, we hate Super Mario, and the Autobots suck fried maggots.

So get rid of your Commodore 64 and your Michael Jackson condom collection, and feel the ultimate sonic horror of the 21st century. It sucks. It hates you. It ruins your property values and causes your condominium association's attorney to send you unfriendly letters. It keys your nice new Lexus LS. It will cause your mama to slap you into next week. Your friends will disown you when they hear your old Culture Club albums through it. We suspect George won't like the TX-1 because it's not gay enough. Personally, we feel that any gay artist will enjoy the TX-1 just fine, provided said artist hates Boy George, Super Mario, the Smurfs, condominium associations, and is also the sort of person who does bizarre things with hamsters. It may be right up your perverted alley, dude man.

What it does: The TX-1 uses an obscure TV tube from the 1960s which nobody has ever used for audio before. For good reason. It does horrible things, especially in this circuit. A neon lamp in the feedback loop plus some other special features causes all kinds of non-stability, plus loads of screeching, gagging awfulness. It's not stable under all regimes, it sometimes oscillates at ultrasonic frequencies, and as a special bonus, it puts out such a "hot" signal that there is a real danger of it damaging some types of solid-state equipment. Isn't that nice?? There's a pentode preamp in the front end for plenty of gain. (Yes, maggot, you can plug your guitar into it, thereby making you feel really groovy, and, like, artistic and stuff.)

There’s no transistors, no chips and no Sovtek 12AX7s in it either, so disabuse yourself of that smug little delusion. It’s not like you‘re a schmuck, personally. (Are you?) We presume that if you're a schmuck, you perhaps find this screed a little offensive, and would much prefer to stuff your hand down your panties whilst perusing your IKEA catalog. If you’re that pathetic, we’ll put it in terms even an LA session guitarist (or a fine, upstanding citizen such as yourself) can understand: Bad sound, bad sound. Ouchie. Run away, run away.

Specifications: you have got to be kidding. It is truly sad to see a "responsible” adult making purchasing decisions for music equipment based upon specifications. Music devices represent an arcane area of technology which is highly subject to fashion, fads, personal opinion, and that pesky “artistic license” business. So okay, here's your miserable specifications. It's the same size as our TM modules and accepts both mounting kits. It draws a LOT of power, 12 volts AC at 1.5 amps. No, it won't run on a 9-volt battery, you suck-monkey. Nor will it complement your lovely Serge modular synth. In fact, it might damage your speakers. Awwww, poor thing.

We’ll make it easy for you, suckboy. We will simply warn you: if you buy a TX-1, your kid will become a Negro, your hamster will die in a very inconvenient and dark place, your septic tank will explode, your wife will leave you and your dog will chew your genitals off.

Be a good boy, and get a Line 6 amp simulator. Be obedient, and be unoriginal. Buy more Sheryl Crow albums. Ha ha ha.

The TX-1 AGONIZER will be available in April 2004, and it will retail for $499 US, and it's hand-made in California by non-slave-labor which does not own any Boy George albums. The TX-1 will be a limited-issue item, so don't sit on your big sucky ass waiting for the price to come down. Ha ha ha. Now piss off, Mister Tiny Taxpayer. Go back to reading your IKEA catalog.

wEBSITE: www.metasonix.com