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1- The actual amp would be very cheap, but the system needed to adjust the volume and tone would be 00+. And you’d need a multi-user agreement if your mate plugs into channel 2.
2- You want your band logo on the face plate and speaker cloth but, even after reading “amps for dummies” three times, it still says “My Amplifier”.
3- If one string breaks, the whole music stops.
4- To play your Gibson Les Paul through the Microsoft Bassman, you need Acrobat Reader. And you haven’t got the latest version.
4- “Vol control 2006” has come out. Time to get a new amp and stash the old one in the loft with the others.
5- “Vol control 2006” still just goes round from one to ten, but it looks a bit flashier, has a “hilarious” .wav file as it goes round and the option to put a jerky old .gif of your 3-month-old sucking a bottle labelled “Jack Daniels” in the centre of the dial.
6- You need to get to a gig 20 minutes before startup in order to switch on. This is so that a nice pic of a field and some clouds can come up. The icons for adjusting the vol and tone will be any minute now…
7- Each chord played comes with the message “Your file has been transferred” and you have to click on the “OK” footswitch to play the next one.
8- The other guitarist keeps bringing along amps made by small independents that piddle all over yours, sonically. Your Microsoft amp sidles over to them, tries to reverse engineer their best features but makes a right pig’s ear of it. It then pushes the small, independent amp off the stage.
9- The Penguin Cafe Orchestra will have nothing to do with Microsoft amps, and play in bars with only twenty people watching, congratulating each other on how easy it is to adjust their volume and tone knobs, still using an amp they bought five years ago.
10- If you play F# when the rest of the band play G, the bum note will hang forever in the air, despite your frantic attempts to close it down.
11- When you unplug the jack lead, you get the message “Are you sure you want to exit this amplifier?”
12- You switch off the amplifier. You’ve got twenty minutes teardown, but that’s enough to get a quick beer at the bar. When you come back, the amp has the message “Ending last song. Last song is not responding. Click ‘OK’ to end last song.” You now have only 5 minutes to teardown.
Alright, that’s twelve. Anybody think of any more?
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20 – You play a Gmaj and your Microsoft amp saves this into the “registry” to save time when you next play this chord. It does the same thing with Amaj, Emin etc etc until your registry is so full up it can’t cope. Worse still, you play an open G-string and the loudspeaker attempts to project an image of a woman in crotchless panties.
You give up, wrap the jacklead around your neck, throw it over the beams, kick the table and hang yourself. Your amplifier says “the guitarist is not responding. Send an error report to Microsoft – as if we care one iota”, with “Send”, “Don’t send” and “Either way, nobody will read it” buttons.
THE END ❓
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19 – You plug your trusty Boss OD into the Microsoft Amp’s USB FX loop. You get a message “New Hardware Detected”. You click “OK” on the footswitch. You then get a message “New Hardware Detected”. You click “OK” on the footswitch. You then get a message “New Hardware Detected, Overdive pedal”. You click “OK” on the footswitch. You then get a message “New Hardware Detected, Boss Overdrive pedal”. You click “OK” on the footswitch. You then get a message “This Boss OD could run faster if connected to a USB 2.0 port but Microsoft is too thick to realize that this amp only has USB 1.1 ports. Would you like to search for a USB 2.0 port?”. You click “Cancel” on the footswitch. You then get a message “The driver for a Boss OD is not on your system. Would you like to search your local drives or the internet for a driver?”. You click “search the internet” on the footswitch. After 10 minutes, you get “Microsoft has never heard of Boss. Now downloading Service Pack 3 to solve this problem”.
The audience is booing and you eye up all possible exits.
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17- IF you ever screwed up on a scale or played a wrong note, the amp would start to rattle and would say…”You chose to fail at a song that is too hard for a loser like you.” Then, the amp would stop rattling and say…”You failed a song that is easy…do you wish to send an error report?”
18-You get chased out of all your gigs by angry mobs who found out you had iTunes on that thing….guitar-syncing is still cheating. D
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15- Little-known fact. Microsoft started out with “guitar”. Although Ap*le had brought out a “guitar” with six-strings, all of which could be played at the same time to produce complex and beautiful layers, Microsoft had a different idea. MS-Bass 3.3 had four strings and could only really play one at a time properly. Fortunately for Microsoft, International Bass Musicians (IBM) figured this would do. Thanks to aggressive marketing, the notion got fixed that every band needed an IBM to the point that many 6-stringers are restricted to standalone use in the spare room while vastly inferior “Bass” rapidly networked.
Thirty years on, “Bass” has developed flashy, exotic wood front ends, active electronics and even an extra one, two or more strings. Behind the facade, though, “MS-Bass” is still clunking along, one string at a time 🙂
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